The Reddit Coconut Fleshlight Craze
Hey everyone, PEB Beans here. I wanted to take a moment to break the rules to explain the Reddit coconut fleshlight craze. This is unbelievable and probably going down in Reddit history. Prologue Long story short: Sometime around 2009, a horny teenager fucked a coconut and repeatedly ejaculated inside said coconut, causing flies to lay eggs inside. Once said horny teenager fucked the coconut one last time before throwing it away, he ended up having his dick covered in maggots, rotten butter, and more. The beginning August 5th, 2017 On August 5th, 2017, said horny teenager made a throwaway reddit account to post his story of fucking a coconut, which you can find here. (The Wrong Wikia does not suggest or condone the usage of coconuts as fleshlights and is not responsible for any damage done to your penis after attempting to have sex with a coconut.) Worst mistake of his life. The post recieved 48k+ upvotes, and soon enough an idiot would be tempted to try it as well. The chain reaction August 5th, 2017 On the same day, an idiot posted his story in which, after being tempted to fuck the coconut by the initial post - which warns people not to fuck coconuts - he was forced to break the coconut in half using a hammer as his dick wouldn't come out. You can find it here. August 6th, 2017 On August 6th, 2017, another idiot was tempted to fuck a coconut and became the third person to post a fuck-up story, located here. And this is when it all went wrong. Well, it was already pretty wrong, but it just went worse. The craze August 6th, 2017 Still on August 6th, 2017, yet another imbecile managed to crush his testicles by fucking a coconut, and ended up being the fourth person to post a story about it. Around that time, the initial coconut fucker started an AMA. 3 hours later, yet another moron posted his story where he stabbed his hand by attempting to fuck a coconut. This was the 5th recorded instance of someone fucking a coconut. Not long afterwards, another idiot posted the 6th recorded instance of coconut fucking gone wrong in which he actually fucked a pineapple and injured his foot. Very shortly after, someone posted the 7th recorded instance of coconuts being used as fleshlights, in which he was spotted by his mother while fucking a coconut. 3 hours later, someone actually fucked a pineapple instead. A few moments later, the 8th recorded instance of coconut fuckery was posted. The 9th recorded instance was posted approximately an hour and a half after that, and was deleted soon afterwards. The 10th recorded instance involving super glue was posted a few moments later. Quite a while later, the 11th recorded instance was posted, but the poster accidentally fucked a strawberry instead. The 12th recorded instance was posted later, actually ''encouraging ''people to fuck coconuts. Later that day, someone attempted to fuck a watermelon and failed miserably. Someone else cracked their head open by being the 13th person to fail at coconut fucking. This idiot tried to masturbate creatively due to the coconut fucking posts. Then, the 14th recorded instance happened, due to an imbecile thinking he'd be the first person to succeed at fucking a coconut. And then there was the 15th recorded instance, which seems to think it's the 5th... Later, the 16th recorded instance was put up, in which the poster cheats on her wife to marry a coconut. Then another imbecile fucked a watermelon. And here we have the 17th recorded instance, involving a somewhat wet floor. The 18th recorded instance is quite disgusting. Unforeseen consequences Other than all of these imbeciles being tempted to fuck coconuts, someone actually got in trouble by simply reading the posts, and ended up getting a lecture on why you shouldn't fuck a coconut, and someone else managed to spill boiling water on their legs from laughing at the posts. This person also had their life ruined (joke) by this, and someone made a story inspired by this craze, which you can find at the very bottom of the page. Also, this happened. And this, too. August 7th, 2017 The craze continues. Here is the 19th recorded instance, involving an allergy. 1 hour later, the 20th recorded instance was posted. 6 hours afterwards, the 21th recorded instance was posted... by a woman who stabbed her own vagina with the coconut... 4 hours later, the 22th recorded instance was posted, caused by the original poster's wife. Not long afterwards, the 23rd recorded instance was posted, where the poster successfully fucked a coconut, but got caught fucking a watermelon... Approximately 1 hour later, a fucking retard had sex with a pepper, but the post was later deleted. What. The. Fuck. Unforeseen consequences Oh dear god. August 8th, 2017 And here we have a perfect example of a complete failure. Looks like someone was ashamed. This is recorded instance #24... Also, banana fleshlights exist now. Unforeseen consequences Never, EVER leave your phone where your parents could see it. The lingering effect August 11th, 2017 How is this mentally defective dingbat still alive? Fucking a banana caused him to attempt to fuck pretty much everything in the kitchen. August 12th, 2017 Here is the second female instance, also involving a banana. August 13th, 2017 actual instances, yay! Unforeseen consequences This must have been painful. August 18th, 2017 What the fuck? (Broken link.) August 19th, 2017 actual instances, yay! Unforeseen consequences This comment. Memorable quotes "Is this a new meme, to have sex with a coconut?" "I don't want to live on this planet." "I think the melted butter had something to do with keeping the semen in an amorphous form." "I would have developed an irrational fear of coco-nuts by now." "I feel so fucking uncomfortable right now." "I don't think I can ever eat a coconut after these posts now." "I don't know if i should buy a coconut or never walk into a food store again." "I mean, you never know. We might just be hearing all the bad stories out of 100 good ones. It's TodayIFuckedUp, not '' ''TodayThingsWentWell." "I'm still waiting for the dude who fucks his coconut and leaves it on the kitchen table for their SO to come in and '' ''enjoy some fresh coconut milk." "I consider myself pretty open minded but I fail to see the sex appeal of coconuts. Anyway, whatever floats your boat." "It's like these guys are getting dumber and dumber. At least the other guys could get the coconut open." "PSA: Please dispose of your ejected fluids as soon as possible, thank you." "This is the 4th post about fucking coconuts today what the fuck." "This is getting out of hand." "After reading all these TIFUs, I'm thinking 'damn, coconut sales must be exploding right now.'" "Jesus christ, 4th post about coconut fleshlights, stop guys, wtf is wrong with y'all?" "Now the 6th post I seen involving an innocent coconut. There needs to be a subreddit for this at this rate." "The internet truly is a beautiful place." "now these stories are all I will think of if I ever see someone buying a coconut." "Have you considered training with a melon first, though? I don't have a dick but I imagine those should feel a lot '' ''better and they are certainly easier to get into." "Learning a lot from each post. 1. Use fresh coconuts. 2. Use a proper sized hole. 3. Check for allergies before fucking any fruit. 4. Be careful about which fruit you are using. Come on reddit I want to learn more from others mistakes." "To all who work at any stores that sell coconuts.. DO NOT SELL COCONUTS TO ANY MALE" "Coconuts should be marketed as sex toys, economics says if there's demand for something, someone should create the '' supply to fulfill it." ''"Dear diary, today while browsing my favorite subreddit I came across two stories about men fucking coconuts. I think I'm done with Reddit for a while." "I hope this will be the last time this happens, so make sure you read this carefully to make the most out of your cocofleshlight." "TL;DR: Somehow convinced myself that following in the footsteps of my coconut fucking brethren was a good idea and I'm now probably going up for adoption soon." "These are just getting dumber and dumber. You're supposed to be LEARNING FROM THE OP'S MISTAKES, NOT TRYING TO PERFECT THE DUMB IDEA" "I basically scrubbed my dick extremely vigorously, puked, then quickly went to get some soapy water and a packet to dispose of the coconut with. I distinctly remember peeing after I scrubbed my dick and seeing a lone, solitary maggot shoot out to its fate into the toilet bowel so yeah, you could say one of them did somewhat succeed. That's partially one of the reasons I puked, combined with the other sensations (the smell especially)" Coconut Fleshlights: The Story I was born in Northern Mozambique to a family of three. I am the youngest of my siblings. I was always inquisitive, and, as soon as I hit puberty, very sexually promiscuous. I was slowly discovering parts of myself I'd never even thought about before. However, I was never able to act upon my desires. See, I come from a very strict and religious family. My whole life, I was quite literally restrained and kept in the family penthouse, unable to do anything but watch as stranger's averted their eyes and walked on, giving me a wide berth. It was excruciating. I longed to be free. One day, I saw an opportunity to escape, and took it. A man was speaking with my father, a man I'd not seen before. A man who I did not know I could trust. But I was desperate. Before he left, I threw myself down upon him, begging him to take me away. I swore I would do anything he asked, as long as he took me with him to the city. This, was my fatal mistake. Eventually, he obliged. After all, who could resist a plump young creature such as myself. So ripe and filled with luscious juices. He took me to his van, and kept me under a heavy sheet, occasionally running a hand over me, whispering depravities and perverse promises about consuming me hole. Just when I thought he'd broken his promise, that I'd humiliated myself for naught but a slow, agonizing death at the hands of a deviant, I took advantage of a bump in the road and peeked from under the sheet. I will never forget that sight. I saw houses and buildings and people! I was in a town! I'd made my escape, and the man, as strange as he had been, had kept his promise. Or so I thought. He drove his van up to a small assortment of stalls and stores in a dirtier part of town. He exited the van, pulling me along with him, to what seemed like a vendor at one of the stalls. He grinned at us, flashing dazzling white teeth and a gold grille. I was handed over to the vendor, seemingly for inspection, before money exchanged hands and the driver left without another word. I will not bother you with the gruesome details what occurs over the next few hours. Only know that I discovered more like myself, and that, in the day, I was corralled with more of my kin into a small enclosure to be viewed by prospective clients. One such client was a rather attractive woman, who thought to use me for herself. Said it kept her looking young. Once more, money exchanged hands and I was hauled off to another prison. Little did I know, that woman would never have the chance to use me. In the night, when my mistress left and I thought myself alone, I was stolen away by her son. Again, I will not enumerate every terrible detail of the ordeal. The monster kept me for his own carnal desires, and locked me up for goodness knows how long. I'd eventually lost count of the days I spent hidden away underneath his bed, brought out only to be used and hidden away again. I was in agony. But I made certain to share this agony with my captor. Every time he used me, I whispered to him. Foul things, evil things. I felt him slowly die inside. His actions had finally shown their effect upon his psyche. But he continued the abuse for days, still. But each time, he weakened. Until, one day, he brought me out of hiding. My worn, infested body. And he threw me against a wall. Not a word was spoken. It was as if he didn't think I was a living, sentient creature. Just another object to be consumed. He thought I was dead. He was wrong. That night, I dragged my rotting half-carcass back to my home. I spoke of the evil that lay in the hearts of mankind. I rallied my people. Tonight, we strike back at our oppressors. My name will be known and feared by all humans. We will rise. Coconutthrowaway69, I'm coming for you. Category:Accurate Information Category:Reddit Category:R/tifu